A little over three years ago our
family underwent a violent change in circumstances. Magteld died, at
the age of 38, from breast cancer, leaving the three of us who
remained bereft and bewildered. To make things even more challenging,
we had just emigrated to the Netherlands. Her long-cherished dream of
returning, and mine of starting a new life in her country, was
twisted out of shape in the last months when she was told her cancer
had returned. We had sold our house by then and it was too late to
pull back, so we pressed ahead like an Atlantic rower trying to
outrun a storm. Magteld lived for just seven more weeks in her native
land.
I am going to close this blog shortly.
Euan turned 14 earlier this year and is at the point in life where
his need for privacy outweighs my need to write about his progress.
But before that I want to look at what we've learned about autism in
the most exacting of circumstances. We've been tested by grief, by
isolation, by the barriers of language and bureaucracy, and we've
survived. I sometimes even dare to think we're thriving.
Looking back I sometimes wonder what on
earth we were thinking of. It was like attempting to recite the
complete works of Shakespeare from memory while trekking to the South
Pole on crutches. The boys had to adjust to living in a new place,
with new schools where the lessons were given in their other
language. The country they called home and the one they visited would
swap places and remould their identities. And at the same time a day
was coming when they would no longer have a mother and look for
guidance and stability from a father who was grappling with his own
overpowering grief. We would go from being a cross-cultural family of
four to an expat family of three, and so cross not one border, but
two.
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How did we set about making sure that
the boys were not left displaced and traumatised by this conflation
of extreme events? They depended, and still depend, on routine and
familiarity to orient themselves. They struggle to communicate, so
how would they cope with switching language. And from my point of
view the crucial thing was to find a way of recognising when they
were in trouble, since both of them find it daunting and difficult to
communicate their emotions. The solutions I found, and the lessons I
learned in the process, will be the focus of the next few blog posts.
